A classic from November from 2008.
Just a bonfire. Yea right!!!!!!! El Paskador hosts the Trout Bums and the Roll Cast crew and lives to tell about it….barely.
So the Fish Bums and me are fishing a stretch on the upper (Secrete River), when out of nowhere Steve Apple (Roll Cast Productions) and his crew including Dave, Eric, and Randy, come ripping up the river. Loads of WTF?, what are you doing here, some paranoia from both camps as they are all wondering who is following who and a bunch “have you got any?” (with each of us hoping the others had been skunked).
After a few minutes Dave decides we need to pick up some beer (loads), and build a fire along the river. Cool right????
A few hour later finds a motley crew of 10 loon-a-ticks, 3 cases of beer, 2 bottles of whiskey and some other stuff I’ll not discuss at the moment. Hey what could happen?
Since the Bums have arrived I have had to relearn a few lessons that I had long forgot, but none more then drinking masses amounts of whiskey will get you seriously phucked up in a hurry (Like 5 minutes). But at least we decided to shotgun a few beers and then build a FIRE.
Well if you are crazy drunk and being screamed at by another 9 drunks, you do whatever it takes to get the fire going quick. My solutions was 5 gallons of gas!
I know what you are thinking, and I’ll admit you are dead right. Even with gas and matches we had a tough time getting it lit. Eventually it ignited and came close to blowing the windows out of my house. People not even near ran towards the area screaming in panic. I was just happy I wasn’t on fire and looking back on it, I’d say I had a 50/50 chance of going up like a straw house. Another lesson? Depends on how much I drink, because the simple truth was, it was crazy fun throwing gas bombs from a safe distance (3 feet).
As bad luck would have it the damn fire went out and soon 5 gallons of fuel was gone ($20.00 Canadian). Brian and Jay seem to have a ton of dexterity while hammered (practice I figure), so they built a small fire in one corner and grew it to a HUGE fire (and while standing in puddles of gas,, no shit) and the fact that we didn’t burn down my house is still a mystery to me. I guess you would have had to see it to completely understand, but trust me when I tell you the flames were 25 feet high and embers were flying off in all directions reached well over 100 feet before blowing out of sight (towards Ted’s house next door).
Well you can’t have a ass kicking bonfire without music, so out came the IPOD boom-box and up went the volume. FULL BLAST….
An argument of the music selection soon erupted and shouts were fired in all directions. Being old, slow, fat, ugly, and incredibly drunk, I did what came natural and went to the garage for another jug of gas (FIRE IS COOL). No sooner had I returned when a crazed Luchador appeared from the shadows and challenged Dave to a wrestling match (really more of a drunkin brawl).
The fight erupted within seconds as the crafty Luchador focused on his pray. Being old, slow, fat, ugly, and incredibly drunk, I did what came natural and drank some more whiskey and tried not to fall in the fire (FIRE IS HOT)
What happened next was a blur (drunken vision), but the villain seemed to have been dispatched and Dave the victor not only wasn’t killed, but he held the head of the Luchador. It was crazy creepy when he decided to wear the Luchador’s face and dance around the fire (mostly naked by this time).
I am not sure what really happened after that, as I was on a mission of survival. You see I was at least 100 feet from my bed, and that 100 feet seemed more like 100 miles. I tried to retreat unnoticed, but was quickly spotted by Jay, who seems much more in tuned with his surroundings when he has consumed massive amounts of sin. None the less I made it on to the deck and past Jay’s watchful gaze. If I could just make it to the door I’d have a chance (slim, but a chance). I quickly realized my chances of making it on two legs were limited at best. Hell for all I know I was going to be tackled by the Luchador and thrown in to the fire (Man on Fire). So I decided crawling would at least double my chances. My Patagonia Guide pants served me well as I scrambled up the stairs, across the living room, down the hall, (needed to pee, but knew there was no chance) and in to my bedroom.
I honestly don’t remember anything past that point, but know there was more wrestling, some puking, more drinking, more gasoline, loud music and loads of stories (all lies). But at the end of the day my house didn’t burn down, the fire department did NOT show up, Ted didn’t walk over and punch me in the face for catching his hay on fire, and nobody called the cops because of the music. Hell I even got to see my first Luchador and partied with the man to both dethroned and nows wears his mask. I could have done without the naked man scene, but hey he’s actually somewhat handsome in a rugged film bum fashion..
But the best news is that the Bums are gone and I can make it at least a few hours alcohol free. I doubt I will fully recover from their stay up here, but at least I lost 18 pounds on my new Giardia diet plan..